random musings and milestones

ugh, why does LJ cut never work unless i spend an extra 15min messing with the html? don't have time today. i apologize for the length.

it makes me a bit sad to post this, but tadpole may well turn out to be an only child. mostly it makes me sad because my family is small anyway, so tad likely won't have many (possibly any) cousins, certainly not his age. if anything, i've always leaned more toward wanting a larger family, two or more children. my grand plan was always to have two, then if we wanted more, to look into adoption of older children (toddler age, probably) first, or have a third biological child if the cost of adoption still turned out to be too high or the process too long and difficult.

right now i'm staring at a list of daycares, addresses and phone numbers, that i have to call, with a list of questions to ask them, at the top of which is, "what are your rates for infant care?" but from talking to other moms around the office, it seems i should fully expect to shell out almost half my pay every month for daycare, minimum.

unless rob's business suddenly booms in the next year or two, or my pay magically doubles, there's no way we'll be able to afford to have two children in daycare at the same time. that would take up my entire pay, possibly then some. and i can't quit...then we don't have insurance.

so, by the time we can afford a second child, tadpole will have to be in school with some kind of latch-key program, and my pay will have to have significantly increased. we'll both be in our early 30s. there's two problems with this...(1) it's always been my intention to be completely done with the kid thing by the age of 30, for a myriad of reasons, and (2) i don't want that large of an age gap between my kids.

i suppose this might be a blessing in disguise. i'm not particularly enjoying pregnancy itself so far. i feel awful most of the time (yes, the nausea that i thought was gone has been making a comeback in the evenings, and then there's the nearly constant back pain and exhaustion, etc). plus, by then, we might be able to afford to adopt a toddler, which would lessen the age gap between the two kids. i guess it's just my female instinct/the fact that this is what i (as a woman) am biologically intended to do making me sad that this might be the only pregnancy i have. (still seems weird to say it though.) maybe it's that something as stupid as the cost of daycare has more control over our lives than we do ourselves that makes it seem just plain wrong. i'm not sure.

the original plan was to have rob take tad to work with him, as our friends T and A were planning on that too, and with both rob and T at the shop, they could both watch the counter and look after the kids at the same time during the day (or A would do it, if it turned out that she could quit her job). but then the shit hit the proverbial fan with A's pregnancy in august, two friggin days before we found out we were pregnant--so no turning back--and all that went to hell because T and A had to move away and now rob is at the shop by himself. no way can he run a business and care for an infant at the same time by himself. bye-bye free or cheap daycare (free if T and rob took turns, cheap if A watched tad while caring for junior). in retrospect, if we'd not been successful when we were, we probably would have gone back to preventing for another year or two, until we saw more clearly where his business and my income were going. but that's not what fate had in mind i guess. not to mention that we'd have to have two kids BANG BANG one right after the other if that happened anyway (in order to be done by age 30), and i'm not so sure i'd be ok with that either. the best laid plans.

eh. what can you do? just your best, that's all. i guess this will make me appreciate what i have now that much more. and pray that much harder that our karma is good enough that we'll catch a break in the near future. if not...well, c'est la vie. i suppose dwelling on it isn't going to help.

any words of wisdom? any only children out there with some insight about how it's not so bad, or OMG do whatever you can for that second kid because it was awful?

goodbye to sleeping in on the weekends.

goodbye to going to the movies on a whim.

goodbye to letting the laundry go till i'm literally out of everything.

goodbye to "free-for-all" meals when neither of us feels like cooking.

goodbye to lazy evenings in front of the TV or computer.

goodbye to a clean house.

wait, i have trouble keeping it clean anyway. lol.

goodbye to my monthly allowance.

goodbye to movies and programs with adult content.

goodbye to peace and quiet.

goodbye to cuddling with my cats for an evening.

goodbye to dinner out.

goodbye to my somewhat squishy but still not so bad body.

i'm sure there's more, but you know what? it doesn't matter. it's going to be a great year. :)

and dick clark needs to retire.

hopefully kelly is with her little bambina right now, and still fingers crossed that sue will be meeting reid sooner rather than later...(do you have income tax returns in canada sue? wouldn't it be great for reid to be your little '09 tax writeoff, lol.)

AFM, i think i'm about talked out as far as pregnancy goes. after spending 3 days with the ILs, talking about NOTHING other than babies and names and pregnancy, etc, i think i might be happy if i don't have to say another word about this little ankle-biter to anyone but rob and my doctor from now till he comes. well, A too...somehow talking pregnancy and babies with someone else who's having a baby makes it a little different...you talk more about the substance of it and preparing for it, and less about how peachy and wonderful and amazing it all is.

plus 3 days of my MIL talking FOR me to other people...i could have lived without that too. if she keeps it up, she's going to be the LAST person to ever learn anything.

it's really bizarre though. it's like, i'm not me any more to all of them, i'm just the vessel for the first grandchild/great-grandchild/whatever. the only person who treated me like a normal person was rob's aunt, bless her. i had half a glass of whatever red wine she'd brought, and all she did was wink at me, lol. if my MIL had still been there...OMG.

little story. on saturday we'd gone to the big sporting goods emporium place right there in town, and MIL like attached herself to me the whole time we were there. ugh, i couldn't get rid of the woman. she followed me around like a lost puppy, and when i went and found rob to try and alleviate the awkwardness i was feeling, he disappeared again! HELLO, she's YOUR mother! anyway, that's not the story, lol. i digress. rob disappeared after i found him in the camping section. we were down the aisle with the camp stoves and enamelware, and i noticed that they had stainless steel coffee percolator pots (marketed for using on propane stoves and campfires, of course)...i've only been able to find them online (or the enameled ones in stores by me), so i was all excited, because i want one for my stovetop. love me some perc'd coffee. they even had them in 6 cup size (about 6 espresso cups, so really only like 2 mugs), which is great since rob doesn't drink coffee. so i'm looking at these, my back to the rest of the aisle, when a salesguy comes down the aisle and makes a joking sales pitch about just having marked down the margarita machines.

well, this whackjob that supposedly birthed the man i married grabs my elbow and turns me around, then rubs my belly and says in this god-awful self-rightious how-dare-you tone (with the undertones of enjoying every second of it), "didn't you see THIS? she DOESN'T DRINK."

OMG. if there was a rock available, i would have tried to crawl under it. i seriously considered making a mad dash for the sleeping bag rack against the wall and hiding in between them. of course he didn't friggin see it, i had my back to him! and even if he DID, who the hell are you to judge him for treating me like anyone else shopping there? maybe i would have bought it for a friend! maybe i just gained weight in general and it all went to my belly! WTF is wrong with you woman???

and, who the f*ck do you think you are showing me off like some kind of trophy piece, you insipid bitch?

i was mortified at the time. all i could was smile weakly, then make some apologetic quip about how i prefer my 'ritas on the rocks anyway.

now i'm livid thinking about it. ::shudder:: i need brain bleach. i have to deal with this woman for the rest of her life, so i have to let it go, but my GOSH, WTF???

and then she had to go around to everyone in the family and update all of them on my pregnancy and our plans, instead of letting me speak for myself. and i swear, the next person to call me "mom" that ISN'T my child (i.e., ALL of them) is getting punched.

so glad to be home, and SO glad that home is so far away from my ILs.

i just got off the phone with A!!!

sort of, lol.

she's sounding VERY hoarse and stuffed up (of course) and was talking rather slowly and not enunciating very well, as though she was half-asleep. but all this is understandable...she told me she doesn't really remember anything at all since friday afternoon up until this morning, except for vague fuzziness...i guess they had her partly sedated.

the scoop (she was on T's phone, on speaker, so T interjected the real information since A is still feeling fuzzy in the head): lots of odds and ends and unrelated circumstances coming together is their best theory right now. they still think the hypoglycemia is circumstantial...perhaps her diet is wanting in some ways, or she isn't eating enough or often enough, and during pregnancy when blood sugar is being taxed more heavily, it's possible that it's drawing too much. and then, apparently, A had a total of four seizures as a small child (<4 years old) that they think left a small amount of scar tissue on her brain, in the frontal lobe. they think a combination of the blood sugar and the scar tissue is what caused the seizures...possibly pregnancy-related factors too, like higher blood volume...all together were causing epileptic seizures. BUT, since they didn't diagnose her first seizure as epileptic and just sent her home with blood sugar-monitoring instructions instead of treating it as a stand-alone seizure, as soon as her blood sugar dropped again by a little below where it should be, she had another seizure, and they think the second one burst some blood vessels and capillaries in her lungs, filling them with blood and fluid, making her oxygen drop dangerously low.

so now she's on anti-seizure meds and they're monitoring her blood sugar closely. she's no longer in ICU...they've moved her to OB (junior is still doing great), slowly unhooking her from things. she's only got one IV now, and is down to four liters of oxygen an hour (which is not much...i remember after the one surgery i had they'd put me on two liters per hour for a couple days as a precaution because i wasn't moving around much and got a little bit of fluid in my lungs). she ate a good dinner tonight and is up and moving around a little, using the bathroom, etc. she's hopeful that they'll let her go home before christmas...i told her i hope they do, and if they don't i promised to come visit her this weekend.

it's funny, because T had sent a text update with the info about her in a new room and with fewer tubes, eating and using the bathroom, and then i sent him an excited text letting him know how happy i was to hear it and asking a bunch of questions, lol, and not 5 minutes later the phone rang and it was A on T's phone. OMG i was so happy to hear her voice, even if she was sounding hoarse and tired. didn't keep her for long...i know she needs to rest, and they were supposed to be coming by to give her meds. it was so good to hear her talking though! best news i've had in a long long time.

so the idea is that she's going to have to keep a close eye on her blood sugar, probably still have to see the specialist and have FREQUENT doctor's appointments, and the hope is that it will clear up after she delivers junior. i hope so too, considering that she was perfectly healthy (maybe slightly overweight, but not much) before pregnancy, and even through most of her pregnancy thus far, aside from the two SCHs.

such good news. now i just want to hear about her going home!


ETA: i just got off the phone with her again...i'd called the hospital to find out what room she's in and to find out if she's allowed to get flowers (seeing as she was just on a respirator and all), and they transferre me to OB to find out if she was allowed, and the nurse said, "oh they're discharging her today! would you just like to talk to her instead?" yay! she gets to go home before christmas EVE even! better and better. no driving till she's seizure-free for 6mo (which has, unfortunately, solidified her resolve to never go back to work...not the best idea considering their situation IMO, but none of my business, so of course i'm not going to say a word), and they're going to reevaluate her meds after junior comes, since she's on the preggo-safe ones now.

responding here to comments on my last, to simplify things a little.

melanie and jill - thanks for the suggestion on the charity care...i'll see if i can't work it into conversation with them when A is out of the woods completely and coming home, if they don't know about it already. i'm sure they will though.

michele and sue - thanks for the thoughts and prayers...there can never be too many!

one text from T this afternoon: "A-- is off the ventilator breathing on her own and eating ice chips"

YAY!

no idea what the original problem was/is...i'm pretty sure T is trying to keep the messages short because (a) he has to pay to send texts and (b) he's probably trying to spend minimal time updating people and maximal time with his wife. so i don't know if they still haven't figured it out yet, or if they have idea/made progress/figured it out and T just doesn't have the room in his time or text budget to share. i think i'm going to actually call him tonight...leave him a voicemail thanking him for taking the time to keep us updated. i feel so bad bugging him...i feel like if i send him another text on rob's phone with the same info, he might take it as a hint for another update, lol.

hopefully she keeps improving like this though! fingers crossed.

i know that really when it comes down to it, this doesn't matter to most of you and these constant updates might start to get annoying, but it helps me to put it out there and tell others about it. i appreciate your prayers, and i'm sure A does too, except that she doesn't know about them yet, because i haven't been able to tell her. i certainly will though, when she's up for a short phone conversation.

she is not breathing on her own yet...still on the ventilator. they're going to try taking her off it in the morning and see how it goes. HOWEVER, T says that she wrote the words "hungry" and "thirsty" on a piece of paper today, which says to me that she's no longer sedated (at least not all the time), and while being thirsty in the hospital isn't all that rare in my experience, being hungry is a great sign! T also says she's looking much better, and junior is still doing great.

i have a feeling that she'll be reaching the hospital misery stage soon, which i remember all too well. the initial fear and franticness will start to wear off, and she'll be starting to feel better but not quite good enough, and she'll be stuck there, falling into monotony with no end in sight. this stage is just plain awful and can make a person fall into deep depression. i wish she was closer...i could pay her a visit. i suppose if i just found out where EXACTLY she was, i could call her at the hospital, but i'm trying very hard not to make a pest of myself asking T for updates all the time (i made it until 4pm today before i finally broke down and sent him a text on rob's phone, since i have to pay for texting on mine...text is turning out to be the best way to get in touch with T while he's in the ICU with A). i figure i'll ask when they let her out of ICU, and for now i'll content myself with daily updates. i definitely want to send her something. flowers seem so cliche though. and with it being right around christmas, i'm not sure i want to try sending something in the mail...not even a card.

i worry a little about T too. i'm sure he's staying with A 24/7, and i know hospital food is not cheap, and if i know T, he's got to be thinking about the financial aspect of all this in the back of his mind (and probably hating himself for thinking of it too). they were broke to begin with. i wonder if he's starving himself. thinking about getting them a $200 grocery gift card or something for christmas...not much in the grand scheme of things, but i want to help them out somehow, and we can't afford much either.

all things considered, i would have gladly taken her place. at least i have insurance. i generally try not to get into political discussions with people because you never know who you're going to offend, but i really feel like T&A are the poster children for why this country needs some kind of universal healthcare. if we were in canada, the extra care A has needed over the past four days (and will continue to need for god only knows how long) wouldn't be a problem.

till i can talk to her, visit her, or generally do something more than last as long as i can during the day before sending T a text asking for an update, i'm keeping myself busy making cookies for our annual "days of grazing" at work (the whole week leading up to christmas is like a big pot luck at work...this year i have alton brown's chocolate peppermint pinwheels, triple-chocolate butterscotch cookies, and white chocolate raspberry oatmeal thumbprints), and working on junior's baby blanket. i thought about it last night, and as large as A's family is, she'll probably get a dozen baby blankets, but you know, i want to do this for her anyway.

i almost feel guilty, cheerfully making christmas cookies while she's hooked up to a ventilator somewhere in wisconsin. maybe we should try and come back from visiting rob's family a day early next weekend so we can visit her, if she's out of the ICU by then.

in an attempt to distract myself from my preoccupation with A's mystery illness, i've been keeping busy working on the baby blanket i was planning on giving her at her shower (which i guess i'll be able to attend after all, since it will most definitely need to be postponed...poor A is going to be stuck in the hospital for christmas still i'm sure, since they're thinking 4+ days in ICU alone).  so here's what i have, with pix, as well as some other pix i've promised in the past and then never posted.  lol.

( read on for the baby throw and other pix )

she has fluid in her lungs, but they don't think it's pneumonia.  they airlifted her to a different hospital in wisconsin about 5 hours away last night...T called around 9:30 as he was hitting the road to drive down there.

no updates yet this morning, which has me quite worried.  i think A is going to take over my journal for the next few days.  i just really really really hope and pray she and junior can pull through this.

the let her go around 11:30, and she was home for a few hours when she fell asleep on the couch and crashed again.  same thing, bloody nose (i guess it wasn't related to hitting her face), irregular breathing, general unresponsiveness.  T called an ambulance again.  this time both her blood sugar and blood oxygen were low, so she's on 100% oxygen now.  she should be getting an MRI right now...they were waiting for the technician to come get her when T called rob to tell him all this.

this is so scary.  the worst part is the waiting...there's absolutely nothing i can do but wait to hear something.  and i don't want to pester T for information right now...he's got enough to worry about.  we're officially on the "keep us updated please" list.  and beyond that, there's nothing i can do.

this is just awful.  very bad.

your prayers would be appreciated very much.

i don't know what the hell is wrong with me the past few days.  well, i guess i've been feeling generally down for a while...house projects not going as quickly as we hoped (not even close!), being sad about my trip to jerz being too short, and not being able to see everyone i really wanted to (not by half), then being so busy with work and other things, trying to work some long hours to get things done and it taking away from really enjoying the little things this time of year, our first holiday season in our new house.  i didn't get our outdoor lights up till last weekend, and then i couldn't get up all the lights i wanted to anyway, then i've been so exhausted coming home every night that i've forgotten to turn them on twice already.  i got the tree up, but haven't had time to decorate it, and looking at things realistically, i'm not going to have the time to decorate it, which is really depressing me.  not that it should matter because we won't be here for the holiday weekend itself anyway, but it's bothering me.  and we're broke, and can't really afford anything i'd love to do for our new house either, either for the holidays or in general, beyond this paint and carpet.

( a long post about everything that's gone wrong or bad this week and my resulting meltdown... )